I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
