I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
