Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
