Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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