I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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