There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
