Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
