This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
