Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
