dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
