my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
