1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
