Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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