I got chris browned last night
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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