Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
