Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
