someone threw a dead crab at me
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
