i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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