It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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