There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
