I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
