Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
