So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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