I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
