just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
