here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
