Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize