I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
