I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
