On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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