I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
