I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
