yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize