dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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