the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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