he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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