You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
