I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
