you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
