I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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