so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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