i think my tv is drunk
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
