i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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