I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize