I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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