I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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