remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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