i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize