Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
