And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
