Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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