I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
