I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
