my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
