Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
