I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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