My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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