Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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