Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize