he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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