I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
