The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
