Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
